Steps to Overcoming "Negative" Thoughts
Do you have a harsh inner critic or "negative" reactions? "Negative" thinking can inadvertently impact our lives in all areas - self-esteem, relationships, physical health, mental health, spiritual health and even our work.
First of all - the word "negative" is possibly not the most beneficial word to use in this context because it tends to associated with something bad. Using this word also doesn't really capture the concept of what it is trying to portray. It also comes with the connotation that we are doing something wrong when we have these thoughts. I believe using the word "unhelpful" instead of "negative" is a kinder approach to ourselves, and also acknowledges the origin of how these thoughts arise.
The problem with unhelpful thoughts is not that we have them, but more often than not, we believe that they are true and we unconsciously absorb them into the schema - or knowledge that we have of ourselves.
Awareness
Learning to recognise and identify unhelpful thoughts is absolutely the most important thing when we are trying to change unhelpful thought processes. Having awareness of when you experience an unhelpful thought is essential to being able to do anything about it.
If you can catch unhelpful thinking early on, it can be much easier to stop it in its tracks before it escalates into something more distressing.
Kindness
Once you have recognised that you are thinking an unhelpful thought, be kind to yourself! When you are actively trying to stop doing something, it can be frustrating to realise that you have just done it again! (Definitely speaking from personal experience).
Being kind to yourself can be difficult, as we are generally our own harshest critic. A helpful way to consider the things you say to yourself, is to ask, "would I say this to a friend?". If you wouldn't, and assuming that you aren't a bit of an asshole to your friends, then why are you saying this to yourself?
Give yourself a metaphorical pat on the back! Or a literal pat on the back - whatever floats your boat. You have just been aware of your own thoughts and are now ready to take the next step in the process! Praise and congratulate yourself for this!
Step Back and Reframe
Once we have identified that we are thinking something that is unhelpful to us, and have taken a moment to be kind to ourselves, we are now ready to take a step back from the thought.
Cognitive defusion, or deliteralisation, is a technique used in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that helps us cope with uncomfortable or unhelpful thoughts and feelings. It involves creating space between ourselves and our thoughts so that they have less of a hold over us. It helps us to recognise that our thoughts are not always reality, and our thoughts do not make us who we are.
A classic way to understand how cognitive defusion works, is to hold your hands about two inches from your face - all you can see are your hands. Now extend your arms and create space between your face and your hands and widen your view. You can still see your hands, but you can also see everything else. Cognitive defusion trains you to see the bigger picture and identify how our thoughts are affecting us.
A helpful way to apply cognitive defusion techniques is to reframe your thought. For example, if your thought is "I'm always so anxious", this can be reframed to "I'm only experiencing anxiety right now, I'll be ok soon", or "Anxiety can be frustrating, but it is what it is right now, I can deal with this". The core of this, is to change an unhelpful thought to a helpful thought.
Consistency
Consistency is the key. This doesn't mean that you need to identify your unhelpful thoughts, and be kind to yourself and step back 100% of the time. But no matter what, keep trying. If you fall of the wagon, that's ok - just get back on it! And once again, remember to be kind yourself.
Some find it helpful to have a journal - and you can reflect on the thoughts that you had during the day. Some helpful questions to ask:
Is/was this thought helpful to me?
Can I absolutely know that the thought was true?
Is this thought part of an old story that is in my mind out of habit?
What is a more helpful thought?
Be confident in your ability - you are more than capable to do this. You've got this. ❤️
